just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
