I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish you could order shots online.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
