u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
