wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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