Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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