is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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