so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
