you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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