Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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