Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
