I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
you're hired as official boob wrangler
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
