We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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