There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
