you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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