It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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