My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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