dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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