I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
