The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
