hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
