I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
