I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
