Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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