We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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