Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
