are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
