dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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