My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How naked do you want me to be?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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