those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
