Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
