I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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