What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
