Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is Oprah even human
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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