break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
