Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
