haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I accidentally burped into my bong.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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