I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
