sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
