Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
