Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
