youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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