woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
