bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am one with the molecules
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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