I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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