My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He felt like a one man threesome
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
