Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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