I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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