Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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