Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
