just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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